the worth

I was planning all day to write a happy blog this afternoon. Unfortunately, or fortunately - my depressing rambling seems to be slightly more entertaining, my plan started to go down hill in biology in 2nd period.



I began the day overly happy, the result of three and a half hours sleep which was the result of feeling overly happy and giddy in the first place. Then everything started falling. I felt like I was sinking. I've been actually rather happy lately for a long period of time. Strange, really, not that I'm complaining.

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that it all fell down as suddenly as it did.

In the space of about 5 minutes I went from being the happiest person in the room to the one who shouldn't even be counted as one in the room. I make no difference, I make no impression. I started over analysing things. Mainly the fact that I'd been 'flagged' by my tutor group teacher for having 6 days absent already. That's the way I know how to deal with stress. I regrettably started doing it in year 6 when my dad seemed to hate me, my teacher absolutely loathed me and my friends didn't really mind that I wasn't there. Again, I make no difference.

One thing that is different. Well, not so much different as a reoccurring nightmare.

I feel lonely.

Just very lonely.

I don't really have that person anymore. The one who people automatically think of when they hear your name, the friend who, no matter whoever else was around - would always choose you first.

I haven't had that for a while.

I don't really have anyone to cry on the phone to. And although that sounds dramatic - I did it a lot.

They just lost interest.

Everyone loses interest. Because I'm just not that interesting. I'm replaceable. I'm worthless, hopeless and I'll never make a difference to someones life.

I've never said it straight out on this blog before. But as it seems no-one reads it anyway.

I don't want to be here. Here or anywhere.

If you are reading this, I don't need a shoulder. I don't want people offering to listen. Because the fact is: I don't trust you. You'll leave me at some point. The novelty will wear off, you'll lose interest.

Or I'll end up doing something horrible, and you'll use it against me in a fight.

It's inevitable. I like being alone too much, but want someone there just in case. I'm a horrible person. I let people down, I get what I deserve.

There's one person I'll trust enough to talk to. But that will make me a hypocrite, and I'll let him down too.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Goodnight.