the justification

My sister has said a lot of things to me. But nothing she's said has ever effected me like what she said Saturday night. I mad a comment about her hair. She went insane. She called me fat, ugly, told me I was emo and never change the way I look. My hairs always the same and my clothes are ugly.

She told me I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

Everything I've ever felt, done or cried about can be originated to that idea.

That I'm alone.

That's what hit me. I went to my room and bawled. I've never cried that hard. I've known that I've been alone for a long time, but that's nothing like being told that you'll be alone.

Mum saw me. That's the embarrassing part. She saw me and realised that Grace isn't the fucked up one who needs people to defend her. That's the problem. Now she knows. Now she'll look at me with that patronising look that tells you she feels sorry for you.

I either feel alone or smothered. Or the happiest person in the world. I'm two different people. And I know that something is wrong with me.

The reason I don't do homework, why I've got a different excuse everyday, is because when I'm down I don't feel like doing anything. Homework, seeing people, going places. Going to school.
I'm not me. I won't even listen to music or watch tv because I feel like I should be punishing myself, like it's my job to not be happy. I've already lost a job, I've almost lost school. I'm so behind I'm getting stressed. So stressed that I think I'm sick. I stay home. I don't want to see people and I really don't want them to see me.

I'm alone. I told my mother I wanted to go to a counsellor. There have been too many times that I've looked at my wrists and wondered what would happen.