the justification

My sister has said a lot of things to me. But nothing she's said has ever effected me like what she said Saturday night. I mad a comment about her hair. She went insane. She called me fat, ugly, told me I was emo and never change the way I look. My hairs always the same and my clothes are ugly.

She told me I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

Everything I've ever felt, done or cried about can be originated to that idea.

That I'm alone.

That's what hit me. I went to my room and bawled. I've never cried that hard. I've known that I've been alone for a long time, but that's nothing like being told that you'll be alone.

Mum saw me. That's the embarrassing part. She saw me and realised that Grace isn't the fucked up one who needs people to defend her. That's the problem. Now she knows. Now she'll look at me with that patronising look that tells you she feels sorry for you.

I either feel alone or smothered. Or the happiest person in the world. I'm two different people. And I know that something is wrong with me.

The reason I don't do homework, why I've got a different excuse everyday, is because when I'm down I don't feel like doing anything. Homework, seeing people, going places. Going to school.
I'm not me. I won't even listen to music or watch tv because I feel like I should be punishing myself, like it's my job to not be happy. I've already lost a job, I've almost lost school. I'm so behind I'm getting stressed. So stressed that I think I'm sick. I stay home. I don't want to see people and I really don't want them to see me.

I'm alone. I told my mother I wanted to go to a counsellor. There have been too many times that I've looked at my wrists and wondered what would happen.

the lemonade

I just need to say one thing...

I HAVE A FOURTH FOLLOWER!!!!!!

How awesome am I?

That's right. Awesome.

the book

Before I get to my relevant and truly hilarious anecdote, is there any polite way to call someone a prostitute? I quite like 'ladies of the night', sounds all mysterious-like and Girlfriend Magazine said that was sexy. Anyway, on with the circus...(that phrase is so going to catch on)

We were given a book to read a while ago for Advanced English (that's right, I'm in Advance - just like the money you give a prostitute). The book was Looking for Alibrandi, and because I'm not a real reader - it's not that I don't like reading, just that a lot of fiction books that I try to read bore me within the first chapter - I was reluctant to read it. Reading the first 30-something pages didn't help either, kind of felt like the author (Melina Marchetta, Melina Marchetta, Melina...) was dumbing it down a bit for me...

(must remember Melina Marchetta...Mrs Mack told me to. I might fail English...)

So, I just skimmed through a bit, got the point of it an moved on. But as we started discussing it in class, I actually wanted to read it.

So I did, last night, all of it.

And it made me cry.

Serious bawling my eyes out until my stomach hurt crying.

Thank Cupcakes I was home alone...

So, if anyone has a really good book that'll do that to me, let me know.

No pretentious bullshit either.
She says, writing a blog...

I'm aware of how boring this post is.
Good afternoon.

the bird factor

3rd & Bird;
This is now my new favourite little kiddie show (ie, preschoolers) EVER.
It's so adorable. Don't ask me why I was watching CBeebies - basically an entire channel for preschool-aged shows - but I do recommend, if you have the channel (not sure what pack-thing it is) type in 705 now. Right now. And enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDbe8-x3naw&feature=related


Blogger won't let me embed the video or, more annoyingly, copy and paste the address. So if the link doesn't work - search '3rd & bird muffin song' - should be the first one.

Goodnight.

the worth

I was planning all day to write a happy blog this afternoon. Unfortunately, or fortunately - my depressing rambling seems to be slightly more entertaining, my plan started to go down hill in biology in 2nd period.



I began the day overly happy, the result of three and a half hours sleep which was the result of feeling overly happy and giddy in the first place. Then everything started falling. I felt like I was sinking. I've been actually rather happy lately for a long period of time. Strange, really, not that I'm complaining.

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that it all fell down as suddenly as it did.

In the space of about 5 minutes I went from being the happiest person in the room to the one who shouldn't even be counted as one in the room. I make no difference, I make no impression. I started over analysing things. Mainly the fact that I'd been 'flagged' by my tutor group teacher for having 6 days absent already. That's the way I know how to deal with stress. I regrettably started doing it in year 6 when my dad seemed to hate me, my teacher absolutely loathed me and my friends didn't really mind that I wasn't there. Again, I make no difference.

One thing that is different. Well, not so much different as a reoccurring nightmare.

I feel lonely.

Just very lonely.

I don't really have that person anymore. The one who people automatically think of when they hear your name, the friend who, no matter whoever else was around - would always choose you first.

I haven't had that for a while.

I don't really have anyone to cry on the phone to. And although that sounds dramatic - I did it a lot.

They just lost interest.

Everyone loses interest. Because I'm just not that interesting. I'm replaceable. I'm worthless, hopeless and I'll never make a difference to someones life.

I've never said it straight out on this blog before. But as it seems no-one reads it anyway.

I don't want to be here. Here or anywhere.

If you are reading this, I don't need a shoulder. I don't want people offering to listen. Because the fact is: I don't trust you. You'll leave me at some point. The novelty will wear off, you'll lose interest.

Or I'll end up doing something horrible, and you'll use it against me in a fight.

It's inevitable. I like being alone too much, but want someone there just in case. I'm a horrible person. I let people down, I get what I deserve.

There's one person I'll trust enough to talk to. But that will make me a hypocrite, and I'll let him down too.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Goodnight.